So I know it has been awhile since I have blogged, and honestly it has been a rough last month or so. I think my last post in April I decided that I was going to be competing June 1st, well life happened and mentally I knew it wasn't going to be a good time to compete. I started a new job, which I am truly thankful and blessed for, but starting my job the week before the show wasn't ideal at all, so I put Mayhem on hold. I looked at another option July 13th Missouri State Championships. However after Mayhem, my mind wasn't in it. I knew that I wanted to compete again, I still do, but I want to be able to put 110% of everything into it! I haven't been brave enough to blog or talk about this until recently.... After talking with a very good friend of mine, she helped me see the light...
This past week, has definitely been a soul searching I definitely think that my mental mindset is on a much better track. I have had break down after break down, and finally after hitting one of the lowest points since competing I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. After reading a blog post by another competitor, Eggs and Oats Fitness, and seeing another competitor on Instagram that had been experiencing the same feelings, I found bravery and most importantly I didn't feel alone.
I really needed to get that sense of reality back and it truly helped me find that light I had been looking for over the last month by seeing that I wasn't alone. I think that I’ve been hiding my feelings and my emotions because I want people to see me as “I’m still kicking butt and doing everything right and being strong” when in all reality I’m like a screaming kid on the inside that is throwing a tantrum. I think the firework (no pun intended) finally went off inside of me though. Monday, I seriously was going crazy in my apartment, was so mad and angry I threw some crap around and just wanted to scream! Laid on my floor and just bawled….I think I truly needed it though. I’ve been so angry and so upset with food and mental game that I’ve just internalized so much and hidden it that it’s been a bomb ready to explode.
You never dream of being in the best shape of your life, but when you finally reach the point where you are you become so afraid to lose it that you become scared and fearful every day. Mentally it becomes a challenge because you worry about every little thing you do to your body. From what you are eating to how hard you are working out. Mentally you go back and forth you feel like a ping pong ball. One minute you are thinking, “It is okay because you were able to lose the weight you lost the first time and you did just fine,” the next minute your brain is saying “what are you thinking, you are going to gain everything you lost!!” Mentally I struggle every day. There are days when I sneak a small bite of something and I get so upset I start to cry right after I put it in my mouth. There are days when I do just fine and I don’t think that I am doing that bad. Constantly it is a mental battle of what to do and what guidelines and rules I should be following. I know that I have to stay strong and true to myself.
I promised myself that I would not revert to my previous eating battles that I had before the show even started. And especially after that first show, I know that looking at myself in the mirror and causing myself to be sick and in pain, after I indulged only made the pain and guilt worse. I know that I started at 122 lbs according to my first check in February and being at my weight now I should feel confident, but all I feel now is that I want to be lower and lower. I wanted to reach my goal body fat before my show and it broke me down mentally. Although I know I can look at my competition photos and realize that I did something amazing. I didn’t just lose 10 lbs in 3 months, but I lost body fat and not only that but gained muscle as well. I have to refocus my downward spiral of thoughts to positive thoughts of what I can and will accomplish as I continue to learn and grow through this journey.
I know that every day that I do struggle, my mind thinks that I am worried about what everyone else is saying about me. What if they think that I have fallen off the wagon and gained back all of the weight that I had lost? I also think that I will never be at stage weight or that I will gain it back after I eat anything. I know that the competition lifestyle is something hard to maintain forever, but it is hard to switch your mind to think you can let yourself relax. It is such a strict structure that when you are given a small ounce of freedom you feel like a kid in a candy store. I have seen and read the horror stories, of people who indulge once right after their show they gain back all of their hard work, and I was terrified, and still am that it will be me. So my mindset became, if I put more calories into my body than what is necessary then I need to go burn it off with extra cardio. At first I didn't think that I was doing anything wrong, but then slowly I've realized how it has mentally broke me down.
Since competing in April I have been pushing myself more and more just to maintain or hope that I don't gain back everything I worked so hard to lose, that It finally broke me down. I look in the mirror at times and I feel like all I see are my flaws and I know that is something that I have to refocus on because that will only cause more negative thoughts. I know that where I am today is stronger, more confident in myself and my body then I was at the beginning of the year but I still have feelings of emptiness and feeling like a void is still being filled with an empty void.
I think that part of it, I got so wrapped up in a society of fast and quick results. I knew that my body changed so quickly and I lost sight of what I wanted and why I started competing in the first place. My goals and what I wanted to achieve were pushed aside and I began to lose myself. I know that each day I will get stronger and I will continue to push out the negative aspects in my life. I am so thankful for an amazing man in my life who has been there for every tear shed, has pushed me to see the positive changes I have had success in.
I have to truly remember when I look to those for motivation, that perfection is not ever achieved and there is beauty in competing: healthy goals. Using their pictures, their guidance, their advice, only for motivation not for comparative aspects of what I want. Perfection is only in the eye of the beholder, and it will never be achieved, So I have to be grateful and push myself to learn each day...not to hold my own self back.
Today I'm on my new path, finding myself again, realizing my inner beauty. I also have started my vision board with Andrew, which is keeping us motivated to not lose the sight of what we truly want. I have realized my friends, family, and true supporters will accept me no matter what size my clothes are, my weight or body fat percentage. I just need to learn to accept myself and that is the road to discovery I am now on. I'm not going to settle for mediocre, I am going to continue my journey, but I'm not going to lose sight of myself doing it.
To my soulmate, Andrew:
"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake....
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”
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