WARNING* This may contain explicit content and very EMO that some of you, even friends may not be aware of your choice to continue reading on...If you want to pass judgement go ahead, but these experiences make me who I am today and that is someone that is pretty awesome!
I guess that is a definitely interesting way to start out this day and blog post, but here we go. I guess this is probably the first intimate and personal showing and truth of me that I will bare all.
I am not sure if depression is a clear diagnosis or definition that you are going to or want to end your life, but I think I have been there before. I honestly don't know if this was the first time that I thought about ending my life but this is the first memory I do have. It was in high school, I had always been labeled something as known to many as an outcast. I remember throughout elementary school even I was always made aware that being different was forced in my face. All I ever wanted was to be just like everyone else. I remember how cruel kids were. The names were endless, flat-face, flat-nose, chink, anything you could think of. It was every day from the time I was kindergarten until I was in high school. Sure I wasn't like the average kid, I didn't have the Americanized family, with a mom and a dad, a brother or sister, but just like any other human being I had something called feelings.
I grew up with very few friends, and never really experienced a lot of things the other neighborhood kids experienced. With my parents struggling in fights all the time, mostly because of me, I didn't have anywhere to turn. Their divorce when I was in third grade took a toll on my already emotional deterioration as a child. I carried that weight on my shoulders for a long time. After their divorce it was time for me to live with my mom...a bumpy road of that is still sometimes rocky of emotional and sometimes physical mistreatment.
By the time I was in high school, I had gone through a few different schools and my mom decided to move to Gardner, Kansas. I was terrified...not only was I new kid again, but this was just the turning point of being a young adult. I remember the first day, feeling so secluded from everyone. Girls were catty and vindictive...if you weren't part of the "in crowd" you weren't anything in their eyes except a joke. Guys were just as bad, I was an Asian girl in this predominately white school district with no ground to stand on. I was an easy target, moving or not they were able to cut me down with any words or jokes possible.
After awhile I felt as though I couldn't take it anymore, that my only option was to give in to what these people wanted...for me to not be here. I remember walking slowly down to my mom's room, where I knew that I could find something to put me to sleep, where I would never have to feel any pain again. Tear stained eyes, I could barely make out what the labels said, I could feel my heart thumping almost out of my chest, was I going to go through with this selfish act. Was I going to let the bullies win? I thought about my decisions for a long time. Knowing it was something so simple. I wished so many times before this moment that I could just not wake up, that I could just be gone...I closed my eyes, I prayed that there would be something to keep me hopeful and then I thought about my family, I could see that I could stand strong, I could get past this, that outside of this little city, that life was bigger.
I made it through that one hard time in life, but more emotionally painful nights still loomed. High school was the start of a whole new emotional mess, by this time, I started coming into more of my own. I had finally started adapting and gaining a few friends here and there. I kept living my life for me and that was all that mattered. By the time I was graduating high school I had a boyfriend...and soon after that he was a fiance. I can say this now, BIG MISTAKE and looking back I know that I had just wanted to be loved, by my mom, my friends, my family...anything that was accepting and apparently he saw that flaw and took advantage of it. Three years of my life I spent with someone who emotionally beat me, physically wasn't any better on few occasions. I knew that this wasn't what life was about. And although the blows were something that I took, I thought long and hard about just ending it, giving him that satisfaction that he won.
I had an amazing friend, someone who helped me realize that I was young and there was so much more to life then where I was at. Sure he provided a life for me, but was it my life or a life he wanted me to lead, I will never know. I remember being faced with a hard decision, having to learn to stand on my own 2 feet and I just felt that my overwhelming fear of emotional stress would win.
I finally made it out alive...Still struggling I started regaining the mindset that finding me was something that I was going to really have to do on my own, besides no one else can really tell you who you are or what you can be. Through the years since that time, a time I really think of as a different life, I have still struggled. Sometimes faced with fear, that I can't do it, that I can't stand, that it won't all be okay. Even in the past few years, I have been hit with things that have really made me think, can I do this? But then I think that I deserve the future just as much as anyone. I deserve to have what I want out of life and yes it may take a fight but I am still standing and no one can take that away from me. The struggles have made me strong, the mistakes shape who I am, and right now I love me and that is all that matters!
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