Today...

As I sit here with tears just starting to well up in my eyes, I have to sit back and realize what am I doing, why on earth am I crying?

Finally after 11 months of going back and forth being taken advantage of and seeing what things really are, I let go. I had to let go and yet I am not looking back, I can't. I have to learn that walking away even running for that matter is the best.

Even though it hurts really bad, I have to do it, and hey you never know as fast as I run, it may just be in a circle, but I have to at least start....

I mean how long can one person go on with a charade of what they really want out of life, as opposed to taking a stand and really just getting what you want.

It's time for me and what I want and I'm not settling for less than that.

Be you

Why does it matter what people think? It is something I have to ask myself and yet sometimes I still let the comments about what people think of me get under my skin. Sometimes it is hard to brush off what is said. Somethings can be truly hurtful. People think that they really know something about you, but deep down we all put up the walls to make sure that our truest feelings are only shown when we feel a little bit of ease with trusting someone. People are sneaky they use things against you, they talk about you when you aren't around...we are all guilty of a little bit of gossip, about the opposite sex, same sex regardless....we talk.

Brush it off your shoulders, the more they talk the famous you are. You are only what you answer too...

life...

So lately, it has been brough to my attention by some close friends of mine that they think I have grown up. I really value that...honestly. It's hard to see the change in yourself at times. Over the past year, things have happened that have made my perspective on life completely change.

There are certain things in life that I believe we may take for granted, and I have realized that it may be hard, but you have to sit back and be thankful. You can't always have what you want in life, and that is the point. You always have to want...because without it what is the point at all.

These past few months even have showed me...that I am lucky, that I have a great life and even though there are small things out there that happen to me, in the big scale of things it is not nearly detrimental compared to others.

I have learned that prayer even through the darkest time is something that I should cherish, because I have faith I know that with God that I can find the light at the end of the tunnel.

Things happen, people change, life has road blocks....

What's love, but a second hand emotion?!

So last night I found myself intertwined in a very interesting conversation, which sparked an intriguing question that has held many theories in the past: What is love? Now after several minutes of organized chaos that went running through my mind of how can one possibly answer this question, I was able to conceive an answer, Love is indescribable. Now wait one minute, how is indescribable an answer. The mere definition to indescribable alone is; not able to describe. So without a description what are we left with but an empty answer, the starting off point of this simple question: What is it?

I believe there are several different variations of love. You can definitely be in love with someone and you can have love for someone and of course I think there are many people who will agree with me on that.

Being in love with someone is something that I have always tried to explain, but yet the words just can’t come out as to what the feelings really are. I have always said being in love with someone is when that person can walk into a room and nothing else matters. They can walk into your life and all of the hurt, the pain and strife that you are going through is taken away when you see that one person. Knowing that, that one person is the one and the right one. They would bend over backwards; walk through fire to be with you. The whole being in love situation also comes with a slight complication that can happen, what if you are in love with someone and they are not in love with you back. They may love you but are they in love with you? It is a very difficult question and sometimes though it may be hard, realizing before it is too late is sometimes better before letting your unreciprocated feelings just left in the dark.

Having love for someone is something that in contrast is hard to see and realize and although there are several similarities to being in love and having love, there is a difference. You care about someone, you would be there for them, and you love them, but are you head over heels in love with them…. Don’t have doubts though, you can have love for someone and with time fall in love with them, but it does take time.

I do believe that you can’t really know what being in love is without ever really experiencing it. I think a lot of people get caught up in the emotion of wanting to be in love they totally throw out the fact that time is of the essence. Although it may seem like something that you may be sure on, and you may think right away that you are in love, it is something that you should definitely not speed through. I mean it is your feelings for goodness sake take care of them wisely. Sure it is something that is easier said than done, but we have to stop, sit back and look around sometimes, take in that quick breath of fresh air. Learning to go with the flow and learning that what you love maybe just something that you really like a lot is something that is a constant battle between your head and your heart. How can we decipher what is going on between them both and make sure we are making a correct decision, only time will tell. We are so quick to run to the finish before stopping to see if this is the track we are supposed to be on.

Love isn’t as simple as a four minute love songs that we set on replay on our ipods, it takes time. There is a course, a road that has not yet been travelled until that time we decide to make a conscious effort with someone. Along the road we learn, we grow with that person and on our own. Things take time, wouldn’t you rather be in love with someone and know who they really are, then be in love with someone for what you think that they are based on only a few minutes or days that you have had with them?

I have wrote on several instances about love… but as I sit back today and wonder, how can I really know how to write love without ever being to the point of being in love? I can make my accusations about what I think it may be and hey I think they are pretty close definitions, but it is my word against every other person out there.

Race is a marathon not a characteristic of a person...

I just wanna know what the fuck is wrong with people and why they think that what they are doing is right, when they are criticizing you for the same thing that they are doing....hello pot calling the kettle black! Get a fucking clue!

After a recent facebook (I know seriously a facebook digg come on how old are we?!)wall post, in which all I said was "Where's your patron? Maybe Blonde Snooki took it" In which I get a comment back (AND I APPOLOGIZE TO ALL WHO READ THIS, BECAUSE THESE ARE NOT MY WORDS AT ALL!!!!) "BITCH...wtf are you talking shit for, i hate people who talk shit, thats some fagot ass shit, you talking shit makes you a fagot"

Are you kidding me!? Please tell me that you just basically commented on what I said by talking shit....ha so does that make you what you are calling "fagot ass shit"
Please grow up... First of all calling someone a "fagot" is not a term that I believe should be said, just like the N word....To me it is a classification of character, it is who someone is, it is deteriminate factor of what makes a person, something that they may not be able to control at all. Granted when it comes to race/characterization/qualities of a person, I quickly will throw out racial asian slurs, I know I'm really bad about it, and at the same time I know that I'm not politically correct at all either. Which I guess is another lessoned learned. But at the same time, it doesn't make someone less "normal" because they have the N word or the F word or any word that can be thrown their direciton to classify them as a person. Maybe my standards for people are higher for than others, just because I value every person as an individual. People can't help what they look like (however they can change it) they can't help what the color of their skin is or their sexual preference is something that may not be the same as yours or ours or anyones, but that doesn't make a person less of a person because they are not the same as you...

L-O-V.....excuse me!?

Love - The word should definitely not be taken lightly....Is it one of those things that you just blurt out and say? NO...and if you do does that mean you really truly mean it and you didn't know how else to say it. Some of us get scared, some of us really don't know what to say. Who really just blurts out, I love you, and not once oh but twice. How can you be sure that you really love someone? I know how you can tell if you have love someone but to tell if you are IN love with someone now that is the question. I know that I love a lot of people in my life, but how will I ever really know if I am in love with that one person? I don't think you can truly love someone until you trust them (thanks Ne-yo for that brillant thought). What basis do we have if we can't trust someone? I know that myself I have huge trust issues, I have love for certain people in my life, but still to this day have a hard time trusting people, even friends. There are certain times that I wonder if one can live a life without falling IN love... And the age old question for everyeone is there one person for everyone out there, we will never know, but I believe. Maybe for those that don't believe will never be able to find that one person, but I believe. I think that everyone has a soulmate besides their best friends that always somehow bring out the best in them. I believe that there is that one person that can bring a smile to one's face and always know how to make things better. We live our lives by the lyrical love songs, that there is a way, and that one will always love you. We wouldn't be able to write such words without such passion of love.

I think that I have been close before to falling in love, and yes it terrifies me and to say the least I am pretty commitment phob, I mean the word relationship litterally gives me chills, however I guess I should probably start growing out of that and maybe start realizing feelings are there for a reason. You can't help how you fell or what you feel for someone. I always said that when you fall in love you know...When that person walks into your life, nothing else matters.

Bored at work...

When does one realize that they are just stupid and foolish?

Are the excuses just excuses or are they real reasons. One can only make excuses for so long, you would think. How many times can you really be pushed to the side. Everyone is an amazing person, well at least the people I hang out with, but with that we have such amazing qualities that make us who we are and define our character. We have to grow to accept and love ourselves before we can even let anyone in to love us as well.