"You can't be afraid to fail, it's the only way you succeed"

So I know it has been awhile since I have blogged, and honestly it has been a rough last month or so. I think my last post in April I decided that I was going to be competing June 1st, well life happened and mentally I knew it wasn't going to be a good time to compete. I started a new job, which I am truly thankful and blessed for, but starting my job the week before the show wasn't ideal at all, so I put Mayhem on hold. I looked at another option July 13th Missouri State Championships. However after Mayhem, my mind wasn't in it. I knew that I wanted to compete again, I still do, but I want to be able to put 110% of everything into it! I haven't been brave enough to blog or talk about this until recently.... After talking with a very good friend of mine, she helped me see the light...

This past week, has definitely been a soul searching I definitely think that my mental mindset is on a much better track. I have had break down after break down, and finally after hitting one of the lowest points since competing I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. After reading a blog post by another competitor, Eggs and Oats Fitness, and seeing another competitor on Instagram that had been experiencing the same feelings, I found bravery and most importantly I didn't feel alone.

I really needed to get that sense of reality back and it truly helped me find that light I had been looking for over the last month by seeing that I wasn't alone. I think that I’ve been hiding my feelings and my emotions because I want people to see me as “I’m still kicking butt and doing everything right and being strong” when in all reality I’m like a screaming kid on the inside that is throwing a tantrum. I think the firework (no pun intended) finally went off inside of me though. Monday, I seriously was going crazy in my apartment, was so mad and angry I threw some crap around and just wanted to scream! Laid on my floor and just bawled….I think I truly needed it though. I’ve been so angry and so upset with food and mental game that I’ve just internalized so much and hidden it that it’s been a bomb ready to explode.


You never dream of being in the best shape of your life, but when you finally reach the point where you are you become so afraid to lose it that you become scared and fearful every day. Mentally it becomes a challenge because you worry about every little thing you do to your body. From what you are eating to how hard you are working out. Mentally you go back and forth you feel like a ping pong ball. One minute you are thinking, “It is okay because you were able to lose the weight you lost the first time and you did just fine,” the next minute your brain is saying “what are you thinking, you are going to gain everything you lost!!” Mentally I struggle every day. There are days when I sneak a small bite of something and I get so upset I start to cry right after I put it in my mouth. There are days when I do just fine and I don’t think that I am doing that bad. Constantly it is a mental battle of what to do and what guidelines and rules I should be following. I know that I have to stay strong and true to myself.


I promised myself that I would not revert to my previous eating battles that I had before the show even started. And especially after that first show, I know that looking at myself in the mirror and causing myself to be sick and in pain, after I indulged only made the pain and guilt worse. I know that I started at 122 lbs according to my first check in February and being at my weight now I should feel confident, but all I feel now is that I want to be lower and lower. I wanted to reach my goal body fat before my show and it broke me down mentally. Although I know I can look at my competition photos and realize that I did something amazing. I didn’t just lose 10 lbs in 3 months, but I lost body fat and not only that but gained muscle as well. I have to refocus my downward spiral of thoughts to positive thoughts of what I can and will accomplish as I continue to learn and grow through this journey.


I know that every day that I do struggle, my mind thinks that I am worried about what everyone else is saying about me. What if they think that I have fallen off the wagon and gained back all of the weight that I had lost? I also think that I will never be at stage weight or that I will gain it back after I eat anything. I know that the competition lifestyle is something hard to maintain forever, but it is hard to switch your mind to think you can let yourself relax. It is such a strict structure that when you are given a small ounce of freedom you feel like a kid in a candy store. I have seen and read the horror stories, of people who indulge once right after their show they gain back all of their hard work, and I was terrified, and still am that it will be me. So my mindset became, if I put more calories into my body than what is necessary then I need to go burn it off with extra cardio. At first I didn't think that I was doing anything wrong, but then slowly I've realized how it has mentally broke me down.


Since competing in April I have been pushing myself more and more just to maintain or hope that I don't gain back everything I worked so hard to lose, that It finally broke me down. I look in the mirror at times and I feel like all I see are my flaws and I know that is something that I have to refocus on because that will only cause more negative thoughts. I know that where I am today is stronger, more confident in myself and my body then I was at the beginning of the year but I still have feelings of emptiness and feeling like a void is still being filled with an empty void.


I think that part of it, I got so wrapped up in a society of fast and quick results. I knew that my body changed so quickly and I lost sight of what I wanted and why I started competing in the first place. My goals and what I wanted to achieve were pushed aside and I began to lose myself. I know that each day I will get stronger and I will continue to push out the negative aspects in my life. I am so thankful for an amazing man in my life who has been there for every tear shed, has pushed me to see the positive changes I have had success in.


I have to truly remember when I look to those for motivation, that perfection is not ever achieved and there is beauty in competing: healthy goals. Using their pictures, their guidance, their advice, only for motivation not for comparative aspects of what I want. Perfection is only in the eye of the beholder, and it will never be achieved, So I have to be grateful and push myself to learn each day...not to hold my own self back.


Today I'm on my new path, finding myself again, realizing my inner beauty. I also have started my vision board with Andrew, which is keeping us motivated to not lose the sight of what we truly want. I have realized my friends, family, and true supporters will accept me no matter what size my clothes are, my weight or body fat percentage. I just need to learn to accept myself and that is the road to discovery I am now on. I'm not going to settle for mediocre, I am going to continue my journey, but I'm not going to lose sight of myself doing it.

To my soulmate, Andrew:

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake....

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”

I DID IT!

So the feeling of nervous and anxiety came over me a week ago! I still can't believe a week has gone by and just last week I was getting my second place medal!! That's right I placed second in open and novice bikini!!!! One of the happiest moments in my life! Here are the events of last weekend!

Friday 
1:15 pm - The rain was coming down, it was not the best conditions for those who are getting ready to get their coats of airbrush spray tan! We got our first coat Friday afternoon, it was an experience for sure! Nakey nakey spray tan, and for Andrew his first time really getting a "fake tan!"

After we got our tans, I decided that it was going to be a good idea to make cup cakes for the ladies on my team I was competing with, let's just say no B-L-T's happened (bites, licks, and tastes).  I did end up with a lot of icing all over my sleeves and clothes, because I didn't want to lick it off my fingers!

6:00 pm - Competitor Check in, we got our numbers, our cards, and height and weight were done for competitors.

TIME to relax......the fun is only just beginning!!!

Saturday
5:30 am - Alarm was going off!! TIME TO EAT, yes that is right I get to eat the day of my show! We don't get unhealthy plans, just plans for success. I was surprised that I was able to get some sleep with all the anxious tension I was feeling before bed!

Finished getting ready, practicing some posing!

6:30 am - Make up time, this was a first again for me. I've never had anyone do my make up before, so this really fun! She did an amazing job.

7:30 am - Hair and the rest of getting prepared, this is the glamorous part, and I love glam! Suit on, sparklies on, heels....now off to the school.

9:30 am - Second coat of tan, YES two coats!! Imagine the chestnut brown color we were now!!!!

10:00 am - Competitor meeting, this is very standard, basic instructions, what to expect, what to do and the order of the show was gone over at this meeting. Pre-judging would be a little different from the evening show.

11:00 am - Pre-judging starts, Gotta get my suit glued, GLUE!? to my butt! No movement is going to get me out of this bad boy, and my glazing. Glazing, pretty much is like the wax on a car wash, and it smells like that also! Andrew would start doing some pumping up and grubbing on some sweet potatoes drenched in honey, the glycogen really helps before he steps on stage to fill out those abs!

Night show, getting glazed!

11:30 am - Andrew's walking on stage!! I was so proud to see him with the other competitors, although I couldn't see much from backstage, he walked with confidence and I knew he was going to kill it!!

12:00 pm - Time for me, well hello nerves I was wondering when you were going to sneak up on me!! My coach had prepped me the day before and told me to listen to Pussycat Dolls "Buttons" channel my inner Pussycat.....I was set, walked on stage and with such an air of confidence I knew I could do it! I would go back on again about fifteen minutes later, since I was going open and novice, but had to wait for the other height classes to go. Time to eat again!!

1:15 pm - Heading home for some Naps!!!

3:30 pm - Time to eat and touch up on my hair and make up before we head back to the school

4:45 pm - Back for another competitors meeting, we went over what to expect for the evening show, this is when we would get to do our individual presentation - the fun would definitely begin now!! I was very excited for the evening show because my amazing family and friends who were amazing support through this journey would be there.

My amazing coach: Lacey
Andrew and his amazing coach: Katie

6:00 pm - Night show begins - supposedly it was going to go fast, but somehow it was S-L-O-W-E-R than the morning show, maybe it was just my anticipation to strut across that stage!

7:30 pm - Or so!!  Andrew finally got to hit the stage and presentations were made....they kept going and going with awards and I was like OMG he is going to place in top 2!!! Second place- Andrew Hannon!!! YAY!!! So excited!!!!

8:00 pm - Or so!  I kind of lost track of time backstage, was ready for food!! Finally my turn!!! Strutted away, showed off my sass and attitude! I was pumped, I completely forgot that I would hopefully place! They started off with 5th place, and my head went completely blank. By the time they got past fourth place, I mentally started thinking, "Oh my God, I didn't place, there were six girls with me and only 5 places, I'm going to be that girl....then it hit me, no wait, there were only five!!! Third place is gone, holy...wait what, third place is gone that means I placed in top 2?!"  I almost lost my mind sitting up there until I found a friendly face in the audience and then they announced my name!! Second Place- ME!!!!!!!!! I was so happy!!!! :)

I went back on stage about 10 minutes later for the open class division, which there were two of us, so I knew I would place!!

Check out those medals and trophy!! :) 

8:30 pm - FINALLY FOOD TIME!!! After we took some pictures, I couldn't think of anything but Food!! I knew I didn't want to go super crazy because I had heard of the horror stories, but one of the coaches made amaaaaazing post-competition protein bars and I couldn't shovel it in fast enough!! Delicious!! Off to the Cheesecake Factory for some really good food. Although we didn't indulge too much, I did have a celebratory glass of champagne  and just after a few sips, I felt it! (I guess that is what happens when you're dehydrated and haven't drank in almost three months!)

The next day we had a quick photo shoot and got some amazing pictures!! I can't thank my photographer enough! He did an amazing job!!! Just a preview of his work!! Such an amazing opportunity for both of us to just finally let lose and have some fun. Then off to enjoy some really good food!

I knew this journey had just ended, and the road was sometimes bumpy, but I was destined to set another goal.

Only five weeks out from our show is Muscle Mayhem, and I have set my eye on the prize!! June 1st will be a much bigger show on a much larger stage with tons of competitors!! Andrew and I have both decided that we are going to start training and preparing for that show. I mean really what is 5 more weeks?! Then a nice summer vacation!! :)

Time has come?!

Well I can't believe it but I am in the final day before the big show!!! I can't believe it is already here! For some reason I've been very emotional this week, more than normal ;). But I have such mixed feelings.  It feels like anxiety and fear all in one big pit in my stomach. Part of the feeling is that I've worked so hard and it is going to go by so fast I want live in every moment tomorrow.

Luckily it won't be over for too long, because starting back Monday I will be back on the plans to continue my training because I will be competing again, and soon!!!

The last couple of weeks before a competition are no joke, I will not lie! Train hard, work hard, and pushing limits are all things I've heard over the last few weeks.  I had a lot of anxiety starting in my final two weeks, just fear built up and feeling like I haven't had enough time.  I put a lot of pressure on myself which doesn't help, and I'm learning to let go and just breathe. Something I'm usually not good at.

I made a decision last week, that was probably one of the best decisions I've made in a long time.  I had been stressing about my full time accelerated school program and my full time job, part time job and the full time training that I've been putting myself through. I decided that I was spreading myself way too thin and something had to give.  I was in tears almost every night just sick with anxiety and worry and knew it was time to make the decision to let something go.  My last day at Life Time was this past Saturday, and while I'm thankful because I will still be working out there and seeing everyone, it was a hard but great decision.  That same day I decided on my schedule for school with all of my classes planned out until graduation May 2014!! I will be a Baker Graduate?! No way!! With these decisions, I definitely felt a lot of pressure leaving which was great, because I was really able to focus this last week on kicking butt in the gym for my last set of workouts!

I've looked back at the progress I've made and I'm so happy and thankful for the amazing results!! You never realize how good you can feel until you can reach certain goals.  The best part about competing is I can always set a goal, things change so much in your body and perfection will never be achieved but certain goals will be.

With a very busy day ahead, I'm off to pose, check in, 1st set of tan, make some goodies for the other competitors  and competitor check ins - I'm sure today will go by fast! Tomorrow will be here before I know it and I will be stepping on stage for the first time! Ready to kill!!

Big shout outs to my biggest supporters an those who have kept me sane!! Love you all, thanks for being there through the meltdowns, helping me resist the extra almonds, or just being there!! Don't worry I'll post some pics soon!

Fortitude

Well I'm a little under three weeks out and guess what, just like all the previous weeks, I still feel great! The title of my blog post today, seemed fitting. I have contemplated getting another tattoo for a few years now and I could never pinpoint what I wanted. The other day after a few searches on the word strength and looking up synonyms for that, I came across the word, "Fortitude." I was instantly drawn to this word. I looked up the definition and it couldn't fit any more better with everything. The definition is, "strength of mind that enables a person to encounter danger or bear pain or adversity with courage." Soooo my plans for some new ink will be right around beginning of May and I'm super excited!!!

So for the last few weeks I've been really kicking it into gear as far as practicing on my posing! It isn't as easy as everyone thinks! And then on top of that you have to remember you're going to be half naked on stage!? Luckily with the help of an amazing coach I've gotten some great tips and tricks.

I got my new workouts beginning of April for the every week until the competition! I'm so excited, and again with the best coach, it changes EVERY WEEK! Talk about no boredom!! I was a little nervous at first, knowing that my cardio was going back to two a days with weights at night, kind of how it was in the beginning stages. But then I remember that I have changed so much in 8 weeks and I have gotten so much stronger, so I know I will be able to kick butt in these last few weeks of workouts!

We started a new diet plan for our three weeks out today and I have to say I'm going to miss the morning pancake!!!! I loved loved loved the pancakes that we had in the morning the last few weeks, but look forward to eating them after the competition!!

I'm almost at the last leg of the journey it seems and at the same time sometimes I feel as though I've just begun.  I've had a few more mental breakdowns within the last few weeks. Mainly because I know I can do it and my competition with myself seems to push me more than anything.  I have snapped a few times, and sometimes just want to break down and cry, mostly because a sense of overwhelming fear comes over me, but it soon subsides!

I think the hardest part now has become the cravings that I have had. I want to swim in a vat of pink icing, and eat an entire jar of peanut butter with oreos!! :) YUM. It is also very mentally challenging hearing about food or constantly having people talk about food. It is amazing to me that something as little as a meal or food could mentally break you down so much! It is really strange that the little foods that you never think about when you're not dieting, you can't stop thinking about when you are! For example a PB&J I would die for one right now!! Or a piece of cheese!!


I have had a few people ask me some questions, so I'll just post here:
1) What am I looking forward to eating after the show?
I'll make a simple list although it probably could go on forever:
- 5 Guys Cheeseburger
- Birthday Cake Oreos (I'm not a fan of oreos, but since I saw them posted I want one real bad!!!)
- Cupcake
- Gardettos
-A Glass of wine!!!
That's a simple list, for now I'll stick to googling and "pinning" yummy food!!


I haven't made a full commitment yet, but there is a competition about 5 weeks after my show that I'm strongly considering. Muscle Mayhem is June 1st at the Overland Park Convention Center. It is a larger stage in a much larger venue. I figure I'll only be about 5 weeks away from that once I do mine, what is 5 more weeks?! It will definitely be a decision I'll weigh on after I compete this time! This has been a huge time and money investment and I'm so glad that I've chosen to invest in myself and make the choices that I have made on this journey! Now just to keep on pushing on these last few weeks!!!

Half way there!!!

So actually the title of this blog is a little false because I'm less than half way there! 5 weeks out tomorrow!! Time is flying!! I have to say just like always I am having a blast!! I'm truly lucky and blessed for the amazing support!!!

This past week I have really had more anxiety and nerves. I am more nervous, because it is getting closer and I'm anxious!! I'm so ready to show off all my hard work, but know that I have more hard work in the next few weeks to keep me going!!

I feel like I am almost in the home stretch and no complaints. Each week we check in with our coaches, and it is one of the best feelings seeing the results each week. Thankfully since we decided to go through Twin Fitness, we get an updated plan with workouts and meals each month. I have to say that I'm pretty spoiled with all of the amazing food and diet that we are on. I would definitely say the variety has kept things so much easier and the food is AMAZING...which I think I say every week!
This is a picture of our meal prep! Turkey meatballs are the best as well as the chicken sweet potato burgers!! One thing I learned quickly that planning is key and important!! I started bagging all of our individual meals and then recently learned that I could make it even more simple and bag the whole day in a larger gallon bag!! It takes me a few minutes to rush out of the door in the morning, just throwing the big bag in my cooler and heading to work!!

Follow me for some awesome pictures of food and my life journey through the eye of the camera! www.instagram.com/jasianbaby

Sometimes I do feel mental challenges with the food. I've had the worst cravings for icing and peanut butter. More than anything sweets! Which is surprising because I've never been one to have a sweet tooth! I think one of the hardest things is that it has been so easy. Sounds weird I know, but because we do have an awesome diet and meal plan I feel like it isn't hard, and from the things I had read before doing a competition, it was the hardest part. I don't think so at all and maybe that is because we have always eaten pretty healthy!

Andrew and I filled out and sent in our registration this week! He will be doing open physique and I will be doing open and novice bikini. I am getting more and more excited each day! I look at suits and pictures almost everyday, it is pretty much on the brain at all times, kicking butt and taking charge!! I can't wait to do the glamorous part, the nails, the hair and the make up!! Plus strutting my stuff on stage!! YES!! I'm not one to have stage fright, but I'm sure closer and closer it will definitely be HUGE!

I finally have gotten enough courage to post a progress picture, it is nowhere near where I want to be, but I have to say that the hard work is definitely showing! This is from Week 1 and from this week so week 6! 6 weeks left! I'm definitely working on the posing more and more as well! They say to practice every week, and I'm definitely trying to get in as much as possible! Who knew it was going to be so much work! It is definitely crazy looking back at 6 weeks ago to see how far I've come already!

Never giving up on my dreams and always looking forward! I've had to learn recently that there are some times where the challenges will get to you, where you have to learn to step away from the negativity. Sometimes it can definitely deter your mindset and bring you down further. Thankfully through the support of the other ladies through Twin as well as the amazing boyfriend, I'm still standing and not a lot is going to knock me down! I've come to far to ever look backward! 

I'm start doing weekly body fat measurements with my coach starting this week until the show as well! I can't wait to see how things progress! Until next week :) 

Monkeys Eat too!

Less than 50 days....I can't believe that time is flying so fast and it is already March! A few weeks ago I attended a stage prep course that was SO important and helpful. I learned about posing and stage presence, which I thought I already had some of it down, but I was definitely wrong!! Pour on the sass and add in the sexy and don't forget to arch that back!! Oh and don't forget to smile!! Just a few things to remember for competition ;).

So the last few weeks have been nothing but difficult, not because of the training or because of the diet, but mostly because of the support, or the lack there of. I am truly thankful and blessed for the amazing positive support that I have received however! I've been blown away by the amazing people that have entered my life since I chose this big change.

There have been the minor bumps in the road with the amount of negativity that seems to have come into the picture. One of my biggest annoyances has been, "Can I have a bite of that?" No you can't have a bite you can bring your own damn lunch though!!! The other comments have been much more rude or condescending. Like what is the point or God you're packing a lot of protein in that big cooler of yours. You're getting disgusting skinny you look like you have an eating disorder...I would love to smack these people in their face, but I'm rising above. My so far favorite *insert sarcasm here* thing is when acquaintances, not friends, pull on my clothes. HOW RUDE!!!! I guess it is a form of flattery, but way to overstep the personal space!

I think one of the hardest things I've had to overcome is having people stare at me while I'm eating. Apparently I didn't get the memo that I was behind plate glass cages like a monkey. I'm eating, and guess what it is normal food! *Newsflash!* my food is NORMAL, I grocery shop at a regular store just like you!

Okay Rant over!!! So far I'm going to say that I am LOVING this!!! Everyday is a challenge and I love it! I have had the best time and the meals I am eating are amazing!! The food is the best part and everyone thinks that competition dieting is the worst part! The food we get to eat is so amazing it seriously is the best fuel for my body! Andrew even has been the best about trying the new food recipes and even some fruit ;)!!! My favorites so far have been the meatballs, which are AMAZING!! I love the pancakes, yes I said PANCAKES on a competition diet?!

There have been some minor challenges that I have not mentally been ready for, but thankfully with the support that I do have they are just that, minor! I will say that this is definitely something that is more mentally challenging than anything. Doing this for me is what my intentions are. This is meant to be fun and it is! I heard something from a good friend that is a competitor, that no matter what at the end of a competition, where you place, it doesn't matter, because you have already personally won. You've challenged yourself and conquered any fears and that in itself is ultimately winning.

I've had the best time so far and even through the challenges, no said it would be easy, but they did say it would be worth it!

Nine Weeks Out, but who's counting!!!

As many of you who follow my Instagram or Facebook have probably learned by now, I'm going to be competing in a Bikini Fitness Competition!! I'm very excited, and very nervous all at the same time, but mentally I am ready! 

I have many friends who have competed in many different competitions nationwide, and I never thought I could or wanted to get my feet wet in that sort of thing. For many reasons, I was too nervous, I never thought I could do it, I didn't think I had enough self control for the strict diet, but recently something just clicked! It became something that I couldn't stop thinking about! 

Now many of you probably don't know the difference between all the different shows and I'm sure all of you think you just parade around in the skimpiest swimwear and stripper heels, but there are some big differences! I have chosen to do the bikini category. I don't think I could ever do the figure category because I would rather have a softer look in muscle size and definition!! 

I have learned so much since the beginning of the year and literally every day I look at contest information, suits, shoes, girls, workouts, diets....Everything!!!

The first thing I had heard I needed to do was to set a date! That helps keep your motivation high and also helps you set your eyes on a goal!! I chose a smaller show that is local here in Kansas City, April 27th. http://www.kcbodybuildingonline.com/index.html is the link for the show and information!! 

The next thing I needed to do was to figure out what to do! There is so much that goes into the preparation for something like this and I was like a lost little puppy in this world! Thankfully I do have a great resource of information, a boyfriend who is an awesome personal trainer, that could help me with some of my workouts, but I knew that since nutrition is 80% of it I would need to seek out more help!

Throughout the starting phases of this journey, Andrew, decided and also motivated me, to do the show! So not only do I get lucky enough to get the support throughout the journey, I also get to share the experience with him as well! 

So we decided since we were both rookies to this sport, that we needed to find someone who could help us excel in it and give us some guidance! We luckily both know some awesome people who have competed that were able to help us! Through the help of a trainer who Andrew used to work with, we got signed up with Twin Fitness, where she now works, to help us get started.

So far I'm two check-ins into the process and I feel great! I have the best coaches through Elite Coaching Twin Fitness, who are there anytime we need anything! They have sent monthly workouts and meal plans with some amazing recipes! Not just the dried out chicken and broccoli :) Andrew is even enjoying the food! 

I'm very lucky and blessed that I have amazing support through this process, with the number of girls that I am friends with or have met along this journey I love the positive energy that I have received!! It is definitely a blessing to have the support from all of my friends, because this is something that can be very mentally overwhelming! I have experienced a few meltdowns already and I'm sure I'll probably experience a few more along the road, just a little bump to deter me from my ultimate goal, but not to stop me from getting there! Until next time.... Eventually I'll get more confidence and post some progress pics too!